Happy Birthday Sarah!

Happy Birthday Sarah!

When life passes me by and I experience the little and big pieces of life, the need to pick up the phone and call you still remains. When my boys say something funny, or when I need to vent, or just want a white mocha, I think of you. I think of you often. I can not believe it has been 3 years.

 I came home from the hospital on your first birthday and it was like we were a gift to each other. We had endless years of giggles, we finished each other’s sentences, we sounded the same, and grandpa would always shake his head because he could never understand what we were saying because we talked too fast. We spent all our free time together every chance we got. When I had kids you treated them like your own. They bonded with you as easily as I did.

When you first found out you had cancer you called me first. That was the kind of bond we had. We told each other our best and worst, we were there for each other. We got each other. But this time I did not know what to say. During you sickest part of your days we would just lay side by side holding hands saying nothing because we both knew we did not have answers.

When you got the news that cancer might win, you called me over and asked me what you should do. That to this day is still the hardest question anyone has ever asked me. I still remember the look in your eyes of fear, and then you for the first time mentioned the’ D’ word and we both lost it. You said you did not want to die and said it wasn’t fair and threw out the ‘why me’ question. After the tears subsided the only thing I said was, “I don’t know God’s plan, only He does, we all are dying since the day we were born. Maybe God choose you to go first because he needs you to help prepare our rooms.” I am not sure why I said that, but I got you to smile! You knew I did not have the answer, you needed to vent, and I am honored you chose me. Then you said you were not afraid to go to heaven, but you felt that your work here is not done. That is because you were such a giving person you wanted to give until the end.

The day you passed away and at you funeral I shed only a few tears. I heard people making comments on why I looked so unaffected, they thought there was something wrong with me.  

You passed away the day after Christmas. To me this was the best gift ever. Christmas time you always spent tons of money on my kids and me with gifts and stockings. You filled our day with joy. To think the day after Christmas was your first day in Heaven gives me joy. I feel that God gave you the best Christmas present for all those years you have given to others. I had so much love for you I was so happy you could not feel pain anymore and that you were finally running faster than me without falling:) I could not find tears to cry. I loved you so much the joy of you living a better life than me, an eternal life, gave me peace. I could not ask for anything better for you.

The night you passed, after I went to hospice and said goodbye to your living body, I was nursing 11 month old Caeson in his dark bedroom. I closed my eyes and started to weep over the overwhelming day of events that just took place. Before a tear could come out I saw a bright light in the corner of my room and felt peace rush over me. I knew it was you. I believe you were with me at your funeral too. I had such peace. When I think of you there are times I cry, but I do not weep that you are gone, rather I rejoice that you are preparing my room for me, probably with hippies and smurfs:) I love you and miss you, but because I love you I am glad you are not here but in heaven!  I celebrate this day, May 7^th as the day God brought you into our lives. I am glad we had 33 years of you,  I am elated that we have eternity together. Until then my friend. You and Angela have fun on your jogs together:)

BCF (Best Cousins Forever)
Shan